A list of arbitrary, yet sensible, rules

For when I either: a) rule the universe, or b) get that chance to have a little sit-down with Hashem that I’ve been threatening for the past 10 years. So, when the world is returned to sanity:

  1. There will never be malnutrition or starvation again.
  2. Women and children will be treated like people, not chattel.
  3. It will never be hotter at night than it was that day. I mean, really, WTF??
  4. Polyester will be deleted from EVERY clothing designer’s fashion lines, aesthetics, and memory.
  5. So will Stretch.
  6. Every person on this planet will be required to be bilingual. I don’t care what languages they choose, it’ll just give them some damn perspective (and maybe humility).
  7. There will no longer be something referred to as “White” Chocolate. I am prepared, however, to accept the-substance-formerly-known-as-“white”-chocolate as Vanilla 2.
  8. Every expecting mother will get maternity leave.
  9. Every single person on this planet – even the awful, racist, ignorant ones – will have free health coverage and a decent education so they’re less awful, racist, and ignorant.
  10. Yarn will be available everywhere. Except for Red Heart. Didn’t you see Rule #2?
  11. Some designer, somewhere, will be required to design good and fashionable clothing for curvy women. My waist is narrower than my hips – and no diet is going to change that, dammit.
  12. Technical schools will be reinstated.
  13. Any political leader even considering a military action will be slapped with a dead haddock and made to sit in the corner and think about the consequences of their actions.
  14. Every citizen of a democratic national will be required to vote (I am prepared to accept that some countries are monarchical)- thus they can no longer cavetch about the government, taxes, or politics in general.
  15. The mentally ill will get the help they need and deserve.
  16. Endangered species will be protected, even if I have to shoot the poachers myself.
  17. Mothers maternity leave will be paid for a period of X. (submitted by penny)
  18. Fathers will also get paid paternity leave – though if mum boots him back to work early there is some sort of additional compensation, for her. (submitted by penny)
  19. Eye glasses for those with sight worse than 20/200 prior to lens correction will not be considered “vanity”. (submitted by penny)
  20. Likewise dental cleanings will be considered preventative and not “vanity”. (submitted by penny)
  21. Wolf-whistling will henceforth be declared idiotic, NOT sexy and annoying as hell. Not to mention it makes me think of sexist 1950’s skits, not how talented you may or may not be with your mouth.
  22. Silence will be known as the better part of cleverness, NOT valor. If you don’t have something intelligent to say, don’t make it clear to me how stupid you really are.
  23. Any adult(s) intending/ wanting to become parents (however intentionally) will be forced to write a ten-page essay detailing why they want to be a parent and how they expect to succeed as one, after completing six months of research on the subject.  In situations involving married couples, BOTH parties will have to participate.
  24. Following Rule #23, let’s add three months of sensitivity training to that process, too.

If you have a suggestion, send me an email at fyberduck [at] gmail [dot] com.

2 thoughts on “A list of arbitrary, yet sensible, rules

  1. Pingback: Well, that was weird. « the qfa

  2. penny

    My additions:

    – Mothers maternity leave will be paid for a period of X.
    – Fathers will also get paid paternity leave (though if mum boots him back to work early there is some sort of additional compensation, for her)
    – Eye glasses for those with sight worse than 20/200 prior to lens correction will not be considered “vanity”
    – Likewise dental cleanings will be considered preventative and not “vanity”

    Omein to #1,2,6,15,16 and well, all of them.

    Reply

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