burnt out

At the ripe old age of twenty-one I am completely burnt out on academics.

I realised this today.

I finally faced Prof H (and managed not to cry, thank g-d, even tho he made me feel about an inch tall) and then took the paperwork to the Registrar. Where I was informed that I needed Prof H to “fill out a RGR form”. At which point I nearly started crying (again) and pitched a slight fit.

NO ONE had mentioned there was additional paperwork. I was told, twice, that I only needed to fill out the “this form and bring it back”. Which I did.

So, I ended up sitting down with a counselor who explained that they needed a RGR because H had specified a grade. (I had earned a B-)

Umm, hello???, I’m changing it from P/N to graded! One would think there was a grade involved!

No, I did not scream this at her. But, I wanted to. They wanted me to face H again, and possibly worse (with more paperwork). Apparently, there’s a difference between fulfilling my major and degree requirements. One would think they’re linked, but apparently not.

I was musing on all of this, as I was practically ushered out of the Registrar (yes, I am close to hysteria, why do you ask?), and realised that never again will I convince myself to care about my GPA.

In the Fall 2003 term, I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and put on Welbutrin. It was bad. The meds, everything. So, I decided to take one class (the one dragging me down) P/N. That way, if I got a B or worse (heaven forbid!) it wouldn’t affect my GPA. I was told that it wouldn’t matter, anyway, because it could be ignored or I could fulfill the requirement another way. No way in hell. Never.

No. More. Classes.

2.5 years later, and I could give a fVck. I had cared, then, because I was certain that at this point I’d be accepted to either an Ivy or UMIST and on my way to eternal textile archaeology glory. I was a bit foolish at 19, I suppose.

But, this morning, I realised that even were Harvard or UMIST to accept me and offer me a GTF position – I wouldn’t take it. I’m way to burnt out. I need a respite. I hate academics and don’t want to look at another textbook, exam, or term paper for a couple of years.

It’s always mind-boggling to come to a conclusion like this. I’m a bit mystified. Taking such a 180 is stressful, but I didn’t even realise it was happening. But, it also occured to me, that playing serf to 3 (not one! but 3) departments might have been the direct cause of this.

I need to remember that when I finally consider grad school. UMIST is sounding better and better. They have a Textile Archaeology department. No more interdisciplinary/ multiple departments/ slave-drivers and loyalties things.

Okay. I’m going to the Dungeon, to finish that bloody costume. And, possibly, to eat some pie.


2 thoughts on “burnt out

  1. peninah


    you aren’t the first to feel this way. know that you aren’t alone. going through all that you are right now, you amaze and inspire me.

    also: thank you for the great listing of books!! :)

  2. Crimson

    I think that every Registrar is pretty evil. (And hey — I managed to get through my program almost completely under the head of the department’s radar … AND we had only two professors aside from her. That’s some fancy invisibility cloak I was sporting.) And don’t worry. It’s perfectly appropriate to thumb your nose at further academia for a while.

    I do hope the pie was at least as tasty as it looked … mmm.


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